When birth stories don't go as planned
Birth stories are such an integral part of modern day birth culture. We love to read birth stories as we dream about our own labors. We love to share our birth stories as we process them. But with so many variables in birth, the chances of our births going exactly as we plan aren't exactly great. So what do we do when we don't get to tell the birth story we spent so long planning? The first and most important piece of advice I can offer to you is this: allow yourself to feel. Being disappointed or hurt by your birth experience does not make you a bad mother. Being angry or sad about how things went does not take away from the love you have for the child that came out of it. Don't let anyone, including yourself, tell you that that's the case. Take the time you need to feel all of those emotions because often times we have to work through them to be able to feel that pride and joy that comes with giving birth to a perfect little baby. It's never easy, but sometimes nearly impossible to work through these things on our own. In these cases it can be helpful to seek out a professional counselor (I'd recommend Jesse Dillon with the Anchor Clinic in Pensacola) or peer group. There are numerous facebook groups specific to certain issues surrounding birth, but even a non- birth specific place to release your thoughts can be helpful.
While you're talking to others, try not to compare your raw experience to one they've already had time to process. Everyone's journeys are different and nothing is as perfect as it looks from the outside. In a similar vein, don't let anyone judge you for your story. It is your experience and no one else has a say in how it went. It's important to remember that having a baby is a huge physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual feat. The process is so all-consuming and intense that when it's over, we are all bound to feel drained and emotional. In a case where things didn't go as planned, this exhaustion can exasperate those emotions we talked about in the beginning. Getting enough rest (don't laugh! I know it's hard with a newborn), good food, vitamins, water, and sunshine are absolutely necessary to a new mother's well-being. Try it and see how much better you feel! One last key to finding satisfaction in your birth story, no matter the outcome: prevention. I'm not talking about preventing anything bad that could happen; I know you're already doing that to the best of your ability. I'm talking about preventing disappointment by realizing before you even begin labor that *something* will probably not go according to plan. As doulas we always say that we cannot be responsible for birth outcomes. And here's the reason for that: sometimes things just happen. So when you go to make your birth plan, remember that this is just "plan A." Allow yourself the benefit of knowing that something might, or even likely will, come up that you didn't think about, plan for, or expect, and that's okay. So just to recap: prepare yourself for surprises. Allow yourself to feel everything you need to feel. Take care of yourself. And seek the ears of others if you need them. Breathe. You've got this.
